So, what happened to day one?
I spent the day writing. 8k plus words an rising. This is mostly me trying to find out what the hell is wrong. I’still feeling very sad, and still very reluctant to move on, do anythinhg useful.
It feelks very much like being actually sad. I think it’s because I have given myself permissin to be sad. That said, i was up until 4 am, mostly writing, and so today’s me is mostly brought to you by caffine and tiredness.
One of the odd things that I realised in the ramblings, what just how much of me there isn’t there. I descibed myself as a pantomime backdrop, that is, all front with nothing but scaffolding behind. A lot of this comes from the fact that in my first breakdown, the advice i was given was to leave the old me behind, and let the new me drive. The problem was that i had, and still have, no idea who that new me is.,
I have also discoevered that I want people to be interested in me. That I crave their attention. Not just in the way I look, and act, but people who are actively curious about getting to know me, and are willing to put the work into doing that. I’m not sure that many people are wililng to put the work in.
These are the two major revolations to me. I will try to work out what they mean, and post more. Right now I’m having a break, will try to write more later.