The Diseased Imaginings of a Tainted Mind
Good afternoon everyone.
Last night was a late night, with very litle true sleep, more simply following unconcious. Having spent some time talking to people, it seems that the things that I should choose to build myself on, is the things I have chosen to become. There are things that I have fought to keep, despite everything.
Amongst these are the colour of my hair. A source of the reason that I was bulllied, I have held onto the colour, despite it’s retreat off of my scalp.
I have also retained my ability to vanish into fantasy. I rather dismissivly called this being a fantasist, but perhaps what I am is a dreamer.
The building bloks of identity are always childish, because it is in childhood that we build those blocks. We then as adults build on these foundations to produce a person that we are. Of course, any of these that I don’t like are then open to me to change. While I spent a lot of time last night thinking about what these mean, I didn’t really come to any real conclusions, other than I like the idea of being a dreamer.
I think that there are a lot of unresolved issues, and many of them I have chosen not to face, out of fear of what this will produce for me. It is clear that I don’t take enough time for myself, and worry over-much (don’t we all?) about spending that time with other people, becuase on balence I rather the company of others. This means that the quality of the time I spend on my own is not great, but rather snatches stolen by accidents of timing, the time between one thing and the next, rather than planned, organised, and sustained time for myself.
The time on my own, while not long, and enforced whas helpful. I think that perhaps that I need to rediscover other ways of being, which offer more self-care to myself. Time listening to music, time reading, time simply doing the things that I enjoy, and if others wish to come along, then that’s fine. To do so in a more intense, less distracted approach.
Still a lot of thinking still to go, but I think I may have finished writing the main thing. I am hoping that perhaps tonight I may sleep the sleep of the physically and emotionally exhausted. We shall see.